NewSatire

This terrifying image was smuggled from an alleged "Catholic training camp" in the deserts of Death Valley, CA.

Washington, D.C. - A Christian terrorist group called The Nuns of the Apocalypse launched a surprise attack on the Capitol building yesterday in what federal authorities are calling the deadliest Christian attack in recent memory.

Rhode Island Congressman Roger Bingham hid under a conference room table and remained undiscovered during the ordeal.

“It was like something out of The Da Vinci Code,” a visibly shaken Sen. Bingham later stated. “Between the screams and gunfire I could hear the nuns bizarrely reciting scriptures from the Bible. It seemed inappropriate.”

An image captured on Senator Dewitt's Blackberry as he fled for cover near the Capitol steps.

A terrified House staffer recalled hearing Sister Mary Grace declare, “This is the day that the Lord hath made!” as she pulled the detonator from beneath her bloodstained Habit.

“Let us rejoice and be glad,” responded Sister Catherine, who had just finished garroting New Hampshire Senator Don Kyle to death with her rosary.

In a bold raid, special units were finally able to subdue the blood-mad Catholics before they completed their fiendish plot to convert or kill the entire Legislative Branch of government.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano gave her own stark assessment this afternoon:

“This is what we’ve been waiting for,” she said ominously. (see CATHOLICS page 2)

Radical homosexual blogger Perez Hilton, who hates "intolerance" and loves to stand up for "diversity of opinions and lifestyles."

Police are still looking for a fat, ugly Cuban-American blogger named Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. aka “Perez Hilton” after he attacked and battered several California residents this week.

According to police, the only connection between the victims is their common opposition to redefining marriage in the U.S.

Mr. Hilton made headlines last week while serving as a judge at the 2009 Miss USA beauty pageant where he singled out Christian finalist Carrie Prejean and asked her if she supported gay marriage. When she answered that, in her opinion, marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman, Hilton launched a misogynistic attack, calling her a “f****** Christian b****” as well as the other C-word. He then awarded her zero points, costing her the pageant crown.

Then according to police, Mr. Hilton, who has spent his life masturbating in various urine-splattered gas station latrines across the nation, embarked on a violent series of serial assaults across the state, targeting everyone he encountered who disagreed with his position on the controversial issue.

“A strange fat lady (Hilton) came up to me on the playground and asked me about gay people marrying,” said Timmy McCulskey, an 11 year-old at City of Angels Elementary School. “So I told her my parents said marriage is for making babies. That’s when the ugly lady got real mad.”

“Then, she tried to attack me with her penis,” the boy added.

Perez Hilton, whose alias comes from his intellectual mentor Paris Hilton, has sent a letter to the White House requesting clemency and asking President  Obama to create an administrative position for him as a “National Opinion Czar.”

Hilton, a drug-addled drama major, wrote that he has “many opinions.”

“Since my opinions are the correct ones, why should other opinions be tolerated?” he wondered in the letter. “Really, they should be punished by a big, fat zero.”

White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said today that the president “respects Mr. Hilton, despite possible differences of opinion” and might be willing to “sit down with him” to “show the world what American diplomacy and tolerance can achieve.”

The corpulent Hilton has made a career out of slander, character assassination and selling himself to diseased homeless men in dumpsters across L.A. He said what hurts him the most are all the “ignorant, intolerant, hateful bigots,” whom he defined as “anyone who disagrees with me.”

Hollywood insiders say Mr. Hilton - whose pig-like face and blubber-laden frame are matched in grotesqueness only by his foul soul-stench that many liken to an old burst corpse floating in raw sewer - may have gone too far this time.

Bob Bagwell, 36, a recently unemployed grocer was another of Hilton’s victims.

“At first I was like wow, Perez Hilton goes to the same porn shop as me!” said Bagwell. “He actually struck up a conversation, but it got all deep. He asked me how I voted on Prop 8, so I told him I voted for it. Then he went totally berserk, called me the ‘C-word’. When I turned to leave he hit me from behind.”

Authorities say Hilton had bludgeoned Bagwell with a large sex toy, then violated him in the alley behind the shop.

Criminal psychologist Andrea Markley said that because of Hilton’s limited mental capacity and emotional retardation, the court may find him unfit to stand trial if and when he is caught.

Kim Ficera, contributing writer for AfterEllen.com perhaps summed Hilton up best: “I feel sorry for him. If his juvenile behavior is his shtick, I think it makes him a much more pathetic figure, and one the gay and lesbian community should not support…If we support behavior like Hilton’s, we applaud shallowness, arrogance, rage and invasion of privacy, and risk becoming what we despise.”

Bush, now in irons, had privately declared himself "better than God, stronger than Satan."

Crawford, TX - Secret Service Agents have finally put shackles on the pathological liar and murderously-evil former President George W. Bush this morning, dragging him from the red barn of his Texas ranch and shoving him into a black Ford Expedition.

“This was difficult for me,” said Bill Daniels, an arresting agent who had actually worked under Bush during his tenure as President. “He always seemed so nice. But now I realize he really was the American Hitler.”

Daniels’ response was mirrored by most Americans today upon the leaking of the Bush Tapes, which record the ex-president’s legacy of pure evil.

All the abuses of power imaginable - from his order that the CIA detonate bombs at the Trade Center on 9/11 to his secret plot to “kill black people” in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina - are chronicled on the Bushgate Tapes.

“I just don’t care about black people,” Bush is heard saying in one secretly-recorded conversation. “I wish there was some way to kill a bunch of the poor ones.”

"I'll have you all killed. You are all DEAD!" screamed former top Bush strategist Karl Rove, arrested at JFK Int'l Airport today as he attempted to flee the country.

He and former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are heard determining that “withholding assistance” from minority Hurricane victims  was the best way to “address the problem” according to the tapes.

It was only two weeks after he successfully manipulated the vote and stole the 2000 presidential election from Al Gore that Bush began formulating his plot to blow up the Twin Towers in order to start a war that would allow him to steal the oil riches of the Middle East, killing as many black people as possible in the process.

“Yeee-haaw this is gonna be awesome!” Bush exclaimed in the January 2000 recording. “If this goes as planned, the Muslims we hired will steeee-rike the towers just right, providing cover for them bombs in the basements. When the towers fall, we’ll git the 80% voter approval for the war we need and Congress will sign on up for it!”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney: “Only then will we have our pretext to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, install a Democratic system for political cover, and capture Saddam whenever war fatigue sets in.”

Bush: “Condi, we gotta make sure to install bin Laden in Western Pakistan indefinitely. That’ll give us our perfect storm of endless war and the deaths of black and brown people, even as we funnel Iraq’s oil back here through the Secret Particle Displacement Portal Cheney built with his ill-gotten riches Ha Ha!”

“Then Dick, you can go torture-up some of them boys, and maybe I’ll even tank the US economy on our way out of office for shits and giggles! HA HA! YEEE-HAAWW!” Bush added. “Then I guess my dang debt to The Dark One be fulfilled.” (see BUSH CRIMES page 6)

"We are all Islamo-Communists now!" thundered Obama at today's press conference.

Washington, D.C. - President Barack Obama made a shocking admission today in a live announcement from the White House, declaring he has “fooled America” into voting for a “radical Islamic communist.”

“The election is over and I am fully entrenched in power. I can now be honest,” Mr. Obama said,  as Weather Underground terrorist Bill Ayers and Black Liberation Theologian Rev. Jeremiah Wright stepped from the shadows behind Obama, sinister grins on their anti-American faces.

“I am indeed a Communist,” Obama went on to admit. “And an Islamist.”

“And now, aaaaah, the American knee will finally bend,” he added.

Declaring himself the “Grand Imam of The United States of Socialist Islam,” Obama set out his plan for what he called a “transitional time of change,” as we put aside the constitutional representative Republic we’ve known in order to “embrace and cleave unto our new Islamic Republic, under the rulership of the Wahabist Muslim Proletariat (WMP).”

White House reporters stood by dumbfounded and speechless. When LA Times correspondent Latisha Miller attempted to ask Obama a question, he told her to silence herself and called on someone to “cover up that bitch’s face.”

Obama supporters point out that in the context of the president’s new religious and political revelation, his opposition to gay marriage now makes more sense.

“The unnaturals must be dealt with, as Allah commands,” Obama announced. “Let the Sodomites turn from their shame, or let them be burned by the Holy Flame of this new government.” (see OBAMA NATION page 3)