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  • TEEN TALK:

    Local teen laments that he'll never be able to be with both Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana at the same time.

  • Movie chaos

    Photobucket Thousands of US moviegoers were disappointed this week as they attempted to see Tim Burton's cool post-apocalyptic animated adventure "9" but ended up accidentally seeing the gay Daniel Day-Lewis musical "Nine" instead. Photobucket

  • "Get away from me"

    Newsatire's attempt to interview random shoppers at Supermart took a dark turn on Wednesday...(page 5)

  • Hannity's New Baby

    Fox News commentator Sean Hannity is to become a father again as he and his wife are expecting their next child, a girl they have named Christie...Christie Hannity.

  • MSNBC vs Fox News

    As part of its ongoing ratings wars, MSNBC's Keith Olberman has agreed to limit his references to Fox's Bill O'Reilly to only 350 per week, down from his current weekly average of 850 direct references to his competitor. New data indicates that despite its unpopularity, "Countdown with Keith Olberman" has still managed to push O'Reilly's "No Spin Zone" viewership up by about 15 percent.

  • Jindal too dorky?

    Some GOP strategists are concerned LA Gov. Bobby Jindal is simply "too dorky" at this time to consider White House run in 2012.

  • Economy "A-Okay"

    "To say the jobless rate has anything to do with the health of the economy is ridiculous. The economy's doing great," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Oh my God what's that over there!" he added . . . By the time members of the press had turned back around, Gibbs was gone.

  • "GOD IS DEAD"

    The statement from an Atheist Society panelist that "God is truly dead, just as Friedrick Nietzsche observed," was met with a sharp rebuke from Sons Of Faith panelist Jesus Christ: "Nietzsche was an idiot, a real whitewashed sepulchre," Christ replied. "That's why I smote him with The Winds of Confusion and The Insanity of Babel."

  • Presidential Dog

    In our continuing coverage, we have EXCLUSIVE images of "Bo" playing and running on the White House lawn! ALSO INSIDE: Michelle Obama's new STUNNING sassy spring fashions! (see INTERNATIONAL page 4)

  • An American Idol

    adam lambert 'Idol' front-runner Adam Lambert says being idolized is totally all about individuality: "If you're not doin' your own thing like me, then you're probably out there doin' someone else's thing, and that's BULLSHIT," Lambert said.

  • what 'Tea Parties'?

    Rumors persist of "thousands strong" so-called Tea Party Protests despite a lack of evidence of their existence in the NY Times . . . "We don't spend too much time on nonsense and gimmicks" said one managing editor.

  • Subway crackdown

    The Metro Rail Authority and city police are asking commuters to help them locate and apprehend "repeat offender" subway criminals, such as the individuals known only as The Turret Syndrome Bandit, Extreme Turnstile Dude, The Transgendered Soloist and the Clown-Costume Rapist. The Train Car Defecator also remains at large.

  • the supreme court

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  • Book Review Book

    From the Book Review section: A new book discussing books and book reviews, but mostly focused on books about book reviews, hit the shelves this week.

  • An unsettling odor

    Office employees look everywhere, unable to locate source of "pervasive creeping air of death."

  • "Niger" verbal slip

    A 4th grade geography lesson turned into an "ugly, racially-motivated brawl" after little Sammy Jenkins raised his hand, but failed to pronounce the long "i" in naming the West African country.

  • Man forgot to vote

    Obama supporter finally admits to friends: "too drunk to vote, forgot." Purchased his "I VOTED" sticker online.

  • "He terrorized me"

    Unstable woman misunderstands aggressive salesman at local boutique.

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