NewSatire

Radical homosexual blogger Perez Hilton, who hates "intolerance" and loves to stand up for "diversity of opinions and lifestyles."

Police are still looking for a fat, ugly Cuban-American blogger named Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. aka “Perez Hilton” after he attacked and battered several California residents this week.

According to police, the only connection between the victims is their common opposition to redefining marriage in the U.S.

Mr. Hilton made headlines last week while serving as a judge at the 2009 Miss USA beauty pageant where he singled out Christian finalist Carrie Prejean and asked her if she supported gay marriage. When she answered that, in her opinion, marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman, Hilton launched a misogynistic attack, calling her a “f****** Christian b****” as well as the other C-word. He then awarded her zero points, costing her the pageant crown.

Then according to police, Mr. Hilton, who has spent his life masturbating in various urine-splattered gas station latrines across the nation, embarked on a violent series of serial assaults across the state, targeting everyone he encountered who disagreed with his position on the controversial issue.

“A strange fat lady (Hilton) came up to me on the playground and asked me about gay people marrying,” said Timmy McCulskey, an 11 year-old at City of Angels Elementary School. “So I told her my parents said marriage is for making babies. That’s when the ugly lady got real mad.”

“Then, she tried to attack me with her penis,” the boy added.

Perez Hilton, whose alias comes from his intellectual mentor Paris Hilton, has sent a letter to the White House requesting clemency and asking President  Obama to create an administrative position for him as a “National Opinion Czar.”

Hilton, a drug-addled drama major, wrote that he has “many opinions.”

“Since my opinions are the correct ones, why should other opinions be tolerated?” he wondered in the letter. “Really, they should be punished by a big, fat zero.”

White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said today that the president “respects Mr. Hilton, despite possible differences of opinion” and might be willing to “sit down with him” to “show the world what American diplomacy and tolerance can achieve.”

The corpulent Hilton has made a career out of slander, character assassination and selling himself to diseased homeless men in dumpsters across L.A. He said what hurts him the most are all the “ignorant, intolerant, hateful bigots,” whom he defined as “anyone who disagrees with me.”

Hollywood insiders say Mr. Hilton - whose pig-like face and blubber-laden frame are matched in grotesqueness only by his foul soul-stench that many liken to an old burst corpse floating in raw sewer - may have gone too far this time.

Bob Bagwell, 36, a recently unemployed grocer was another of Hilton’s victims.

“At first I was like wow, Perez Hilton goes to the same porn shop as me!” said Bagwell. “He actually struck up a conversation, but it got all deep. He asked me how I voted on Prop 8, so I told him I voted for it. Then he went totally berserk, called me the ‘C-word’. When I turned to leave he hit me from behind.”

Authorities say Hilton had bludgeoned Bagwell with a large sex toy, then violated him in the alley behind the shop.

Criminal psychologist Andrea Markley said that because of Hilton’s limited mental capacity and emotional retardation, the court may find him unfit to stand trial if and when he is caught.

Kim Ficera, contributing writer for AfterEllen.com perhaps summed Hilton up best: “I feel sorry for him. If his juvenile behavior is his shtick, I think it makes him a much more pathetic figure, and one the gay and lesbian community should not support…If we support behavior like Hilton’s, we applaud shallowness, arrogance, rage and invasion of privacy, and risk becoming what we despise.”