NewSatire

Police are looking for a gun that they say "probably looks like this."

An Elkwood couple was found dead in their home this morning. Both had been murdered by a gun, according to a statement issued by local police.

Mark Richards, 42, and his wife Ann, 38, died from multiple gunshot wounds inflicted by a gun. Although the house had been robbed, authorities are unwilling to speculate if the gun was also behind the burglary.

Police arrived too late after the harrowing 911 call was placed by Mrs. Richards around 3 am, heard whispering, “Oh God…I think there’s a gun in the house. Please hurry!” before her phone line was cut.

“The scene was grotesque,” said Police Chief Walter Patterson. “We haven’t seen a gun do this in quite some time in this community.”

While spokesmen for the NRA and white-trash Americans continue to blame criminals and the mentally insane for gun violence, activist groups like Stop Guns Now (SGN) and Fathers Against Guns (FAGs) have released a statement calling on Congress to ‘finally hold guns in America accountable’ by banning gun sales to all law-abiding citizens and calling for the surrender or seizure of all privately-owned firearms.

“This isn’t about limiting the Second Amendment at all,” said SGN founder Peter Markum. “This is about protecting American citizens from the guns that are killing them.”

Police are still searching for the gun in question and have yet to release the identity of the gun, whether it was a black gun or a stainless steel gun. And there remains the possibility that it was an unregistered gun that entered the country illegally. (see VIOLENT GUN page 4)