NewSatire

Depopulation advocates united to promote their anti-humanity message.

The pro-Earth, anti-Homosapien environmental group Earth First met with the Hemlock Society and other pro-death groups today at the ground-breaking Annual International Depopulation Summit in Denver.

The meeting marks the first time radical environmental and anti-humanity groups have come together on such a scale to “compare notes and build strategies to meet common goals.”

“This has been an exciting year for planetary depopulists everywhere,” said AIDS Chairman Damien Volkman in his opening remarks.

“Many of you think this year can’t possibly be as exciting or productive as our last few years of war, genocide and disease have been,” Volkman said. “Well this is no time for discouragement! Say it with me: We! Can! Do! Better!”

'Hemlock' members react to a pun delivered by special speaker Jack Kevorkian.

Hemlock Society members were friendly and complimentary toward the environmentalist group, introducing Earth First founder Pete Simpson in glowing terms as a “21st century visionary” who truly feels the “suffering groans of the land, sea and air, choked to death by the toxic despotism of humanity.”

“I must say it’s a darn shame there are so many of us here today,” quipped Simpson as he took the podium to warm audience laughter. “But seriously, we’re all here today to do two things: to encourage pollution control through pre-conception or pre-birth methods, and to help minimize the number of people currently on the Earth, with the exception of ourselves and our families of course, ha ha ha!”

Hemlock Society's new logo, which integrates its new "green" focus in seeking the elimination of all human life.

Simpson went on to laud the accomplishments of what he called “human pollutant-reducing events” such as cult-inspired suicides, Columbine-style mass killings, and the Sudanese genocide, as well as the “millions of successful abortions logged each and every year.”

He also praised “God’s little answers to prayers” like the 2004 Asian Tsunami that killed over 225,000 polluters.

“To say that tsunamis are more important to our goals than say, pandemics or rogue asteroids would be irresponsible,” said event coordinator River Sunbeam when asked to rate major population-limiting events.

“The addition of environmentally-conscious groups like Earth First will help express just how ‘green’ our cause truly is,” Sunbeam said. “Every human breath is an act of pollution, and we exist to make it finally stop. It’s fantastic.” (see POLLUTION page 4)