NewSatire

"Send us your children," said al-Amriki, whose only apparent terrorist weakness is the SPF 50 sunscreen necessary to shield his white delicate skin from the harsh African sun.

A new terrorist video from Somalia shows off the military prowess and intellectual leadership of 24 year-old Caucasian-American Kenny “Kip” Martin from River City, Iowa, aka “Abu Mansour al-Amriki,” or “the American.”

“The only reason we’re out here, away from ice and candy bars and all those sorts of things is because, like, we’re like waiting for the infidel,” al-Amriki said, inspiring all the religious murderers who surrounded him.

Most North African jihadis agree that the American terrorist is “bigger, flashier and simply better” than those of the Third-World countries.

“It’s like comparing a USDA Fillet Mignon to like, I dunno, a watery bowl of African grasshopper gruel or something,” said State Dept. official Norm Jenkins after reviewing the intelligence report. “I mean, this guy is a real leader over there! You wanna say this is a citizen who has done us proud. But, y’know, he’s a terrorist, so, I suppose we just can’t.”