Over-enthusiastic members of the DNC cheered as Howard Dean suggested Obama is of only marginal historic importance compared to what's coming in 2012.

“All I’m saying is, this new candidate is gonna make puttin’ the first African-American president into office literally seem like no big deal!” declared former DNC Chairman Howard Dean at the party.

Dean let the news slip in an alcohol-fueled bombshell that was supposed to be announced “in a different spirit and context” later this week by the current DNC Chairman, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine.

Grabbing the microphone from Chairman Kaine, Dean launched into a tirade against “complacency in the face of the Obama victory.”

“People these days want something new, something historical!” Dean yelled. “Obama was a first! But we can do better! Yes we can!”

The crowd seemed enthusiastic, so Dean continued:

“So look out in 2012! ‘Cause the Deaniac Democrats are on the edge! And we’re puttin’ up a candidate that’s unlike any candidate that anyone has ever voted for before!” he roared. “That’s right! A super milestone-breaker who’s gonna bust right through those fuckin’ white doors of that fuckin’ white house, and into fucking HISTORYYYYEEAAWW!” -  That’s when the microphone was cut off and a red-faced Dean stumbled from the stage.

The DNC has refused to elaborate on who the surprise candidate might be, fueling speculation among various ethnic, religious and gender groups, each convinced the next president will be one that will “identify with them.”

A NewSatire.com poll shows that while over 40 percent of Americans believe the DNC choice will likely be of Hispanic origin and nearly 35 percent think it will be an Asian-American candidate, a staggering 86 percent think that regardless of race, the choice will indeed be a woman, most likely a “lesbian, with roots somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere” according to the poll.

Spokesman Ashley Guy from The American Transgendered Organization said AMTRAN is excited about the prospect of the first Transgendered-American president in 2012.

“The message from the DNC is clear enough for me,” Guy said. “Our next president will undoubtedly be a Transgendered- or Transexual-American, and he-slash-she will be the most historic president of all time.”

But many are skeptical about the DNC’s ability to produce a candidate of such breathtaking historicity.

“The important thing about Obama’s victory is how historic it is,” said Vice President Joe Biden, defending Obama’s historical uniqueness. “It’s not just about being the first black president. It’s about being part of history, and a part of an historic moment within the historical process itself. It’s just great.”

Depopulation advocates united to promote their anti-humanity message.

The pro-Earth, anti-Homosapien environmental group Earth First met with the Hemlock Society and other pro-death groups today at the ground-breaking Annual International Depopulation Summit in Denver.

The meeting marks the first time radical environmental and anti-humanity groups have come together on such a scale to “compare notes and build strategies to meet common goals.”

“This has been an exciting year for planetary depopulists everywhere,” said AIDS Chairman Damien Volkman in his opening remarks.

“Many of you think this year can’t possibly be as exciting or productive as our last few years of war, genocide and disease have been,” Volkman said. “Well this is no time for discouragement! Say it with me: We! Can! Do! Better!”

'Hemlock' members react to a pun delivered by special speaker Jack Kevorkian.

Hemlock Society members were friendly and complimentary toward the environmentalist group, introducing Earth First founder Pete Simpson in glowing terms as a “21st century visionary” who truly feels the “suffering groans of the land, sea and air, choked to death by the toxic despotism of humanity.”

“I must say it’s a darn shame there are so many of us here today,” quipped Simpson as he took the podium to warm audience laughter. “But seriously, we’re all here today to do two things: to encourage pollution control through pre-conception or pre-birth methods, and to help minimize the number of people currently on the Earth, with the exception of ourselves and our families of course, ha ha ha!”

Hemlock Society's new logo, which integrates its new "green" focus in seeking the elimination of all human life.

Simpson went on to laud the accomplishments of what he called “human pollutant-reducing events” such as cult-inspired suicides, Columbine-style mass killings, and the Sudanese genocide, as well as the “millions of successful abortions logged each and every year.”

He also praised “God’s little answers to prayers” like the 2004 Asian Tsunami that killed over 225,000 polluters.

“To say that tsunamis are more important to our goals than say, pandemics or rogue asteroids would be irresponsible,” said event coordinator River Sunbeam when asked to rate major population-limiting events.

“The addition of environmentally-conscious groups like Earth First will help express just how ‘green’ our cause truly is,” Sunbeam said. “Every human breath is an act of pollution, and we exist to make it finally stop. It’s fantastic.” (see POLLUTION page 4)

"The Aborted is not family-friendly," said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Dianne West.

Still several weeks premature of its official birth on the big screen, horror master Max Bremer’s new film “The Aborted” has already drawn high praise and sharp criticism following early screenings.

The film features real-life late-term abortionist George Tiller a.k.a. “Tiller the Killer” playing himself in the role, and depicts the radioactive mutation of discarded, late-term aborted babies into gigantic, razor-toothed, demon-inhabited fetuses bent on matricidal revenge.

While some are using phrases like “instant classic” and “genre masterpiece,” others emerged from the film threatening boycotts and mass protests.

“All I can say is - thanks Mom for not aborting me, ’cause the fetuses are back and man are they pissed!” said one enthused horror fan at the screening.

In one offensive scene, a fetus demon returns to take vengeance on it's pro-choice mother.

“The film is beyond offensive,” said abortion-rights activist Ron Bickman of abortemifyougotem.org.

Bickman wasn’t bothered by the gory evisceration scenes, but he did object to the portrayal of abortion doctors as “profit-driven, soulless child-murderers” rather than the “care-giving, birth-avoidance assistants” they actually are.

“The way they represent Dr. Tiller as this stereotypical mad scientist sociopath was outrageous and evil, even if he did play himself,” Bickman said. “Tiller is a champion of mothers’ human rights for God’s sake.”

One of several fetuses that arise from hospital dumpsters to wreak havoc across the nation.

Film reviewers and bioethicists alike are divided in half on the blood-splattered film, saying its sheer over-the-top grossness renders any possible political or social message “virtually impossible to determine.”

Anti-abortion advocates praise the picture’s stomach-churning, starkly-realistic depiction of the abortion procedure itself, while some pro-choice advocates feel that, at the very least, the film gets the message across to women that giving birth to their children isn’t the only option available to them.

Even so, and despite the fact almost no one has seen the movie, for many it is simply too controversial to bear.

“They’re trying to make abortion out to be something horrible or inhuman instead of a health choice that’s good for women,” said Ingrid Hartley of the National Organization for Women.

“The film seems to take lightly the Supreme Court’s single greatest civil rights achievement and indeed the very measure of our national dignity and human equality. It’s the freedom of abortion,” Hartley said.

But for horror fans like Richie Martin, 17, the film simply wasn’t that complex.

“I just thought that one part when those fetuses all climb into Dr. Tiller’s mouth and then burst out of his stomach while he’s all screaming and shit - that shit was sick!…and AWESOME.”

One of thousands of revelers at the unofficial "Swine Flu Sick Day" party last Tuesday afternoon in Hemingway Park.

El Paso Warehouse Manager Alonzo Martinez was one of countless US citizens who “called in sick” this week with what he and others universally described as “a bad case of the swine flu.”

“The whole ‘Mexican Swine Flu’ thing totally blew up on Twitter on Monday and I was totally hung over, so I was like whatever,” Martinez admitted. “Seemed like a good way to get out of doing inventory.”

Acting head of the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Rick Besser said the CDC is currently tracking over 12 million claims of swine flu infection from “lazy, irresponsible individuals” across the nation.

A disturbing image of one of the pigs suspected to have transmitted the A-H1N1 virus known as 'swine flu'.

In most cases, physicians have reported no sign of swine flu or indeed any illness whatsoever among those who missed work for one or more days this week.

Federal authorities are also tracking a sharp spike in “swine flu-related assaults and homicides” across the nation.

Sous chef Benny Bedanski was arrested in Queens, NY yesterday after allegedly attacking fellow prep cook Tommy Kowalski during an argument. Bedanski maintains his actions were in self-defense, not against Kowalski, but against “the swine flu inside of him.”

“I already told you people, Kowalski and I were cutting up the pork loin and he just started acting strange, like, maybe he had the swine flu or something, and I freaked out,” Bedanski said. “So okay, we’d had a few drinks and were arguing, so what? He got weird I’m telling you…I’m talkin’ like Mexican Swine Flu-weird.”

"As long as we maintain our stock of facemasks, I don't see this becoming a problem," says one Mexican health official.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano rejected calls for a temporary stop to all nonessential US/Mexico-bound flights and suggested those who sought such preventive measures are simply “insane racists.”

Napolitano announced instead that Mexican officials have “assured her” that there is, in fact, “no threat” from a so-called swine flu epidemic, and further that “no such illness or epidemic exists very much.”

Members of Congress have voiced grave concerns over the devastating impact an outbreak of Mexican Swine Flu in the US could have, not only on their re-election campaign contribution potential but also on their personal agendas.

“We are concerned the rise of swine flu absenteeism could translate into voter apathy or, even worse, into a lower voter approval of our upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens measure, called the Open Borders And Mexican Amnesty, or OBAMA Act,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proudly.

Congressman Barney Frank insisted that “the national excuse-making stop” and that citizens start “looking inwardly” instead of  blaming the swine flu and “attacking Mexicans.”

“Then maybe these voters will see the real source of this so-called swine flu. Maybe it’s the swine flu in each of our hearts. Maybe it’s the swine flu of our national soul,” Frank concluded bizarrely. (see EXCUSE MY SWINE FLU page 4)

This terrifying image was smuggled from an alleged "Catholic training camp" in the deserts of Death Valley, CA.

Washington, D.C. - A Christian terrorist group called The Nuns of the Apocalypse launched a surprise attack on the Capitol building yesterday in what federal authorities are calling the deadliest Christian attack in recent memory.

Rhode Island Congressman Roger Bingham hid under a conference room table and remained undiscovered during the ordeal.

“It was like something out of The Da Vinci Code,” a visibly shaken Sen. Bingham later stated. “Between the screams and gunfire I could hear the nuns bizarrely reciting scriptures from the Bible. It seemed inappropriate.”

An image captured on Senator Dewitt's Blackberry as he fled for cover near the Capitol steps.

A terrified House staffer recalled hearing Sister Mary Grace declare, “This is the day that the Lord hath made!” as she pulled the detonator from beneath her bloodstained Habit.

“Let us rejoice and be glad,” responded Sister Catherine, who had just finished garroting New Hampshire Senator Don Kyle to death with her rosary.

In a bold raid, special units were finally able to subdue the blood-mad Catholics before they completed their fiendish plot to convert or kill the entire Legislative Branch of government.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano gave her own stark assessment this afternoon:

“This is what we’ve been waiting for,” she said ominously. (see CATHOLICS page 2)

Radical homosexual blogger Perez Hilton, who hates "intolerance" and loves to stand up for "diversity of opinions and lifestyles."

Police are still looking for a fat, ugly Cuban-American blogger named Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. aka “Perez Hilton” after he attacked and battered several California residents this week.

According to police, the only connection between the victims is their common opposition to redefining marriage in the U.S.

Mr. Hilton made headlines last week while serving as a judge at the 2009 Miss USA beauty pageant where he singled out Christian finalist Carrie Prejean and asked her if she supported gay marriage. When she answered that, in her opinion, marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman, Hilton launched a misogynistic attack, calling her a “f****** Christian b****” as well as the other C-word. He then awarded her zero points, costing her the pageant crown.

Then according to police, Mr. Hilton, who has spent his life masturbating in various urine-splattered gas station latrines across the nation, embarked on a violent series of serial assaults across the state, targeting everyone he encountered who disagreed with his position on the controversial issue.

“A strange fat lady (Hilton) came up to me on the playground and asked me about gay people marrying,” said Timmy McCulskey, an 11 year-old at City of Angels Elementary School. “So I told her my parents said marriage is for making babies. That’s when the ugly lady got real mad.”

“Then, she tried to attack me with her penis,” the boy added.

Perez Hilton, whose alias comes from his intellectual mentor Paris Hilton, has sent a letter to the White House requesting clemency and asking President  Obama to create an administrative position for him as a “National Opinion Czar.”

Hilton, a drug-addled drama major, wrote that he has “many opinions.”

“Since my opinions are the correct ones, why should other opinions be tolerated?” he wondered in the letter. “Really, they should be punished by a big, fat zero.”

White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said today that the president “respects Mr. Hilton, despite possible differences of opinion” and might be willing to “sit down with him” to “show the world what American diplomacy and tolerance can achieve.”

The corpulent Hilton has made a career out of slander, character assassination and selling himself to diseased homeless men in dumpsters across L.A. He said what hurts him the most are all the “ignorant, intolerant, hateful bigots,” whom he defined as “anyone who disagrees with me.”

Hollywood insiders say Mr. Hilton - whose pig-like face and blubber-laden frame are matched in grotesqueness only by his foul soul-stench that many liken to an old burst corpse floating in raw sewer - may have gone too far this time.

Bob Bagwell, 36, a recently unemployed grocer was another of Hilton’s victims.

“At first I was like wow, Perez Hilton goes to the same porn shop as me!” said Bagwell. “He actually struck up a conversation, but it got all deep. He asked me how I voted on Prop 8, so I told him I voted for it. Then he went totally berserk, called me the ‘C-word’. When I turned to leave he hit me from behind.”

Authorities say Hilton had bludgeoned Bagwell with a large sex toy, then violated him in the alley behind the shop.

Criminal psychologist Andrea Markley said that because of Hilton’s limited mental capacity and emotional retardation, the court may find him unfit to stand trial if and when he is caught.

Kim Ficera, contributing writer for AfterEllen.com perhaps summed Hilton up best: “I feel sorry for him. If his juvenile behavior is his shtick, I think it makes him a much more pathetic figure, and one the gay and lesbian community should not support…If we support behavior like Hilton’s, we applaud shallowness, arrogance, rage and invasion of privacy, and risk becoming what we despise.”

Bush, now in irons, had privately declared himself "better than God, stronger than Satan."

Crawford, TX - Secret Service Agents have finally put shackles on the pathological liar and murderously-evil former President George W. Bush this morning, dragging him from the red barn of his Texas ranch and shoving him into a black Ford Expedition.

“This was difficult for me,” said Bill Daniels, an arresting agent who had actually worked under Bush during his tenure as President. “He always seemed so nice. But now I realize he really was the American Hitler.”

Daniels’ response was mirrored by most Americans today upon the leaking of the Bush Tapes, which record the ex-president’s legacy of pure evil.

All the abuses of power imaginable - from his order that the CIA detonate bombs at the Trade Center on 9/11 to his secret plot to “kill black people” in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina - are chronicled on the Bushgate Tapes.

“I just don’t care about black people,” Bush is heard saying in one secretly-recorded conversation. “I wish there was some way to kill a bunch of the poor ones.”

"I'll have you all killed. You are all DEAD!" screamed former top Bush strategist Karl Rove, arrested at JFK Int'l Airport today as he attempted to flee the country.

He and former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are heard determining that “withholding assistance” from minority Hurricane victims  was the best way to “address the problem” according to the tapes.

It was only two weeks after he successfully manipulated the vote and stole the 2000 presidential election from Al Gore that Bush began formulating his plot to blow up the Twin Towers in order to start a war that would allow him to steal the oil riches of the Middle East, killing as many black people as possible in the process.

“Yeee-haaw this is gonna be awesome!” Bush exclaimed in the January 2000 recording. “If this goes as planned, the Muslims we hired will steeee-rike the towers just right, providing cover for them bombs in the basements. When the towers fall, we’ll git the 80% voter approval for the war we need and Congress will sign on up for it!”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney: “Only then will we have our pretext to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, install a Democratic system for political cover, and capture Saddam whenever war fatigue sets in.”

Bush: “Condi, we gotta make sure to install bin Laden in Western Pakistan indefinitely. That’ll give us our perfect storm of endless war and the deaths of black and brown people, even as we funnel Iraq’s oil back here through the Secret Particle Displacement Portal Cheney built with his ill-gotten riches Ha Ha!”

“Then Dick, you can go torture-up some of them boys, and maybe I’ll even tank the US economy on our way out of office for shits and giggles! HA HA! YEEE-HAAWW!” Bush added. “Then I guess my dang debt to The Dark One be fulfilled.” (see BUSH CRIMES page 6)

"We are all Islamo-Communists now!" thundered Obama at today's press conference.

Washington, D.C. - President Barack Obama made a shocking admission today in a live announcement from the White House, declaring he has “fooled America” into voting for a “radical Islamic communist.”

“The election is over and I am fully entrenched in power. I can now be honest,” Mr. Obama said,  as Weather Underground terrorist Bill Ayers and Black Liberation Theologian Rev. Jeremiah Wright stepped from the shadows behind Obama, sinister grins on their anti-American faces.

“I am indeed a Communist,” Obama went on to admit. “And an Islamist.”

“And now, aaaaah, the American knee will finally bend,” he added.

Declaring himself the “Grand Imam of The United States of Socialist Islam,” Obama set out his plan for what he called a “transitional time of change,” as we put aside the constitutional representative Republic we’ve known in order to “embrace and cleave unto our new Islamic Republic, under the rulership of the Wahabist Muslim Proletariat (WMP).”

White House reporters stood by dumbfounded and speechless. When LA Times correspondent Latisha Miller attempted to ask Obama a question, he told her to silence herself and called on someone to “cover up that bitch’s face.”

Obama supporters point out that in the context of the president’s new religious and political revelation, his opposition to gay marriage now makes more sense.

“The unnaturals must be dealt with, as Allah commands,” Obama announced. “Let the Sodomites turn from their shame, or let them be burned by the Holy Flame of this new government.” (see OBAMA NATION page 3)

Police are looking for a gun that they say "probably looks like this."

An Elkwood couple was found dead in their home this morning. Both had been murdered by a gun, according to a statement issued by local police.

Mark Richards, 42, and his wife Ann, 38, died from multiple gunshot wounds inflicted by a gun. Although the house had been robbed, authorities are unwilling to speculate if the gun was also behind the burglary.

Police arrived too late after the harrowing 911 call was placed by Mrs. Richards around 3 am, heard whispering, “Oh God…I think there’s a gun in the house. Please hurry!” before her phone line was cut.

“The scene was grotesque,” said Police Chief Walter Patterson. “We haven’t seen a gun do this in quite some time in this community.”

While spokesmen for the NRA and white-trash Americans continue to blame criminals and the mentally insane for gun violence, activist groups like Stop Guns Now (SGN) and Fathers Against Guns (FAGs) have released a statement calling on Congress to ‘finally hold guns in America accountable’ by banning gun sales to all law-abiding citizens and calling for the surrender or seizure of all privately-owned firearms.

“This isn’t about limiting the Second Amendment at all,” said SGN founder Peter Markum. “This is about protecting American citizens from the guns that are killing them.”

Police are still searching for the gun in question and have yet to release the identity of the gun, whether it was a black gun or a stainless steel gun. And there remains the possibility that it was an unregistered gun that entered the country illegally. (see VIOLENT GUN page 4)

A prototype mega-shuttle named The Ark is under construction and could theoretically hold 2,500 unemployed Americans.

Washington, D.C. - The Administration’s new plan to tackle rising unemployment took an exciting turn today.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has announced the $1 billion it received in tax-payer stimulus will be spent to construct “massive transport shuttles” that will be used to “launch unemployed Americans into outer space.”

President Barack Obama endorsed the project earlier today during his speech at Johnson Space Center in Houston.

“For all the success of President Franklin Roosevelt in using government to address the crisis of the Great Depression, he struggled with unemployment, which by 1940 was still about 14.6 percent,” Obama said.

“America cannot afford to let that happen this time, and we won’t,” Obama declared. “We’ve come up with a plan.” (see SPEECH page 7)

Mclifesyle ad takes on social, ideological themes.

McDonald’s marketing executives are lashing back at critics of their new “Mclifestyle” ad campaign following a lawsuit that contends the ads “target our most intellectually vulnerable citizens and the morbidly obese” with “promises of health and spiritual riches gained through the McDonald’s experience.”

Franchise owner and Mclifestyle co-creator Bob Jarvis is a vocal proponent of the new campaign.

“I’m angered by the criticism,” Jarvis said. “I’m McPissed off, really.”

McDonald's presents itself as "humanity's best friend" in new campaign

The McLifestyle campaign launched its first nation-wide TV commercial last week that featured an unreleased Hannah Montana song called “McLivin’ it!” that has angered many parents and child-advocacy groups.

Even worse, critics are upset by the content of the ad, which depicts thin, attractive young people engaged in activities such as recycling, assisting the elderly, voting, and protesting against global warming and nuclear proliferation, with intermittent laughing and touching, all while consuming McDonald’s products.

“You’d have to be a big fat McMoron to object to these ads,” Jarvis said during the court deposition. “This is McMadness.” (see BIG MCSTAKE? page 3)

"We will do what is necessary to bring peace to the world," said Cheri Neslon, PeaceNow!.org member.

The field was strewn with broken bodies. The choppers were too late. Everyone was dead.

A scenario from the battlefields of Iraq or Afghanistan?

No. It was the PeaceNow!.org protest rally in San Fransisco today, where radical pacifists inflicted major casualties on the pro-U.S. military counter-protest this afternoon.

“He was just screaming ‘peace now, PEACE NOW!’ at the top of his lungs as he bludgeoned that Vietnam vet to death,” said Donna Smith, a Gold Star military mom who was under the counter-protester’s Free Speech Tent at moment of the attack.

The mostly working families and elderly veterans that made up the counter-protester’s ranks were ill-prepared for the drug-fueled college students of the Peace Now! group, that had been “raging for peace” - as one member put it - all over town, defacing several Catholic churches and burning down a military recruitment office in the process.

“Their deaths are regrettable,” said PeaceNow! protest organizer Kenneth Kirkland. “But we think the real question is: how was it legal for that counter-protest to have a prayer vigil in the middle of the street in the first place?” (see PEACE RALLY page 5)

..

"Send us your children," said al-Amriki, whose only apparent terrorist weakness is the SPF 50 sunscreen necessary to shield his white delicate skin from the harsh African sun.

A new terrorist video from Somalia shows off the military prowess and intellectual leadership of 24 year-old Caucasian-American Kenny “Kip” Martin from River City, Iowa, aka “Abu Mansour al-Amriki,” or “the American.”

“The only reason we’re out here, away from ice and candy bars and all those sorts of things is because, like, we’re like waiting for the infidel,” al-Amriki said, inspiring all the religious murderers who surrounded him.

Most North African jihadis agree that the American terrorist is “bigger, flashier and simply better” than those of the Third-World countries.

“It’s like comparing a USDA Fillet Mignon to like, I dunno, a watery bowl of African grasshopper gruel or something,” said State Dept. official Norm Jenkins after reviewing the intelligence report. “I mean, this guy is a real leader over there! You wanna say this is a citizen who has done us proud. But, y’know, he’s a terrorist, so, I suppose we just can’t.”

Obama cartoons: "Not as funny as the Bush ones."

“It’s like asking a Christian to mock Jesus or something,” said David Hinkley, syndicated cartoonist and Obama campaign contributor. “I mean, with Bush it was like, put big ears on him and a sort of monkey face and you were good to go. But President Obama? Well I mean - well, obviously few would do that with President Obama.”

While newspapers across the U.S. continue to lose advertisers, readership and talent pool, editors like Harold Matthews of the New York Journal said political satire has devolved from the cutting, mocking, relentless hilarity of the Bush years to “boring ass-kissing.”

“It sucks now,” Matthews said. “Everything just sucks. It’s all over.”

Assistant editor Doug Prince had to help his dazed boss stand and walk toward the break room.

“How hard is it to make him laugh!?” Prince screamed. “I mean, is there anything NOT funny about Timothy Geithner? C’mon people!” (see NOT FUNNY page 12)