NewSatire

The Democratic National Committee’s “Historic 100 Days” celebration turned controversial as they announced that the historic nature of Barack Obama’s presidency has inspired them to endorse an “even way more historical” candidate for 2012.

Over-enthusiastic members of the DNC cheered as Howard Dean suggested Obama is of only marginal historic importance compared to what's coming in 2012.

“All I’m saying is, this new candidate is gonna make puttin’ the first African-American president into office literally seem like no big deal!” declared former DNC Chairman Howard Dean at the party.

Dean let the news slip in an alcohol-fueled bombshell that was supposed to be announced “in a different spirit and context” later this week by the current DNC Chairman, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine.

Grabbing the microphone from Chairman Kaine, Dean launched into a tirade against “complacency in the face of the Obama victory.”

“People these days want something new, something historical!” Dean yelled. “Obama was a first! But we can do better! Yes we can!”

The crowd seemed enthusiastic, so Dean continued:

“So look out in 2012! ‘Cause the Deaniac Democrats are on the edge! And we’re puttin’ up a candidate that’s unlike any candidate that anyone has ever voted for before!” he roared. “That’s right! A super milestone-breaker who’s gonna bust right through those fuckin’ white doors of that fuckin’ white house, and into fucking HISTORYYYYEEAAWW!” -  That’s when the microphone was cut off and a red-faced Dean stumbled from the stage.

The DNC has refused to elaborate on who the surprise candidate might be, fueling speculation among various ethnic, religious and gender groups, each convinced the next president will be one that will “identify with them.”

A NewSatire.com poll shows that while over 40 percent of Americans believe the DNC choice will likely be of Hispanic origin and nearly 35 percent think it will be an Asian-American candidate, a staggering 86 percent think that regardless of race, the choice will indeed be a woman, most likely a “lesbian, with roots somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere” according to the poll.

Spokesman Ashley Guy from The American Transgendered Organization said AMTRAN is excited about the prospect of the first Transgendered-American president in 2012.

“The message from the DNC is clear enough for me,” Guy said. “Our next president will undoubtedly be a Transgendered- or Transexual-American, and he-slash-she will be the most historic president of all time.”

But many are skeptical about the DNC’s ability to produce a candidate of such breathtaking historicity.

“The important thing about Obama’s victory is how historic it is,” said Vice President Joe Biden, defending Obama’s historical uniqueness. “It’s not just about being the first black president. It’s about being part of history, and a part of an historic moment within the historical process itself. It’s just great.”

Depopulation advocates united to promote their anti-humanity message.

The pro-Earth, anti-Homosapien environmental group Earth First met with the Hemlock Society and other pro-death groups today at the ground-breaking Annual International Depopulation Summit in Denver.

The meeting marks the first time radical environmental and anti-humanity groups have come together on such a scale to “compare notes and build strategies to meet common goals.”

“This has been an exciting year for planetary depopulists everywhere,” said AIDS Chairman Damien Volkman in his opening remarks.

“Many of you think this year can’t possibly be as exciting or productive as our last few years of war, genocide and disease have been,” Volkman said. “Well this is no time for discouragement! Say it with me: We! Can! Do! Better!”

'Hemlock' members react to a pun delivered by special speaker Jack Kevorkian.

Hemlock Society members were friendly and complimentary toward the environmentalist group, introducing Earth First founder Pete Simpson in glowing terms as a “21st century visionary” who truly feels the “suffering groans of the land, sea and air, choked to death by the toxic despotism of humanity.”

“I must say it’s a darn shame there are so many of us here today,” quipped Simpson as he took the podium to warm audience laughter. “But seriously, we’re all here today to do two things: to encourage pollution control through pre-conception or pre-birth methods, and to help minimize the number of people currently on the Earth, with the exception of ourselves and our families of course, ha ha ha!”

Hemlock Society's new logo, which integrates its new "green" focus in seeking the elimination of all human life.

Simpson went on to laud the accomplishments of what he called “human pollutant-reducing events” such as cult-inspired suicides, Columbine-style mass killings, and the Sudanese genocide, as well as the “millions of successful abortions logged each and every year.”

He also praised “God’s little answers to prayers” like the 2004 Asian Tsunami that killed over 225,000 polluters.

“To say that tsunamis are more important to our goals than say, pandemics or rogue asteroids would be irresponsible,” said event coordinator River Sunbeam when asked to rate major population-limiting events.

“The addition of environmentally-conscious groups like Earth First will help express just how ‘green’ our cause truly is,” Sunbeam said. “Every human breath is an act of pollution, and we exist to make it finally stop. It’s fantastic.” (see POLLUTION page 4)

This terrifying image was smuggled from an alleged "Catholic training camp" in the deserts of Death Valley, CA.

Washington, D.C. - A Christian terrorist group called The Nuns of the Apocalypse launched a surprise attack on the Capitol building yesterday in what federal authorities are calling the deadliest Christian attack in recent memory.

Rhode Island Congressman Roger Bingham hid under a conference room table and remained undiscovered during the ordeal.

“It was like something out of The Da Vinci Code,” a visibly shaken Sen. Bingham later stated. “Between the screams and gunfire I could hear the nuns bizarrely reciting scriptures from the Bible. It seemed inappropriate.”

An image captured on Senator Dewitt's Blackberry as he fled for cover near the Capitol steps.

A terrified House staffer recalled hearing Sister Mary Grace declare, “This is the day that the Lord hath made!” as she pulled the detonator from beneath her bloodstained Habit.

“Let us rejoice and be glad,” responded Sister Catherine, who had just finished garroting New Hampshire Senator Don Kyle to death with her rosary.

In a bold raid, special units were finally able to subdue the blood-mad Catholics before they completed their fiendish plot to convert or kill the entire Legislative Branch of government.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano gave her own stark assessment this afternoon:

“This is what we’ve been waiting for,” she said ominously. (see CATHOLICS page 2)

Bush, now in irons, had privately declared himself "better than God, stronger than Satan."

Crawford, TX - Secret Service Agents have finally put shackles on the pathological liar and murderously-evil former President George W. Bush this morning, dragging him from the red barn of his Texas ranch and shoving him into a black Ford Expedition.

“This was difficult for me,” said Bill Daniels, an arresting agent who had actually worked under Bush during his tenure as President. “He always seemed so nice. But now I realize he really was the American Hitler.”

Daniels’ response was mirrored by most Americans today upon the leaking of the Bush Tapes, which record the ex-president’s legacy of pure evil.

All the abuses of power imaginable - from his order that the CIA detonate bombs at the Trade Center on 9/11 to his secret plot to “kill black people” in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina - are chronicled on the Bushgate Tapes.

“I just don’t care about black people,” Bush is heard saying in one secretly-recorded conversation. “I wish there was some way to kill a bunch of the poor ones.”

"I'll have you all killed. You are all DEAD!" screamed former top Bush strategist Karl Rove, arrested at JFK Int'l Airport today as he attempted to flee the country.

He and former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are heard determining that “withholding assistance” from minority Hurricane victims  was the best way to “address the problem” according to the tapes.

It was only two weeks after he successfully manipulated the vote and stole the 2000 presidential election from Al Gore that Bush began formulating his plot to blow up the Twin Towers in order to start a war that would allow him to steal the oil riches of the Middle East, killing as many black people as possible in the process.

“Yeee-haaw this is gonna be awesome!” Bush exclaimed in the January 2000 recording. “If this goes as planned, the Muslims we hired will steeee-rike the towers just right, providing cover for them bombs in the basements. When the towers fall, we’ll git the 80% voter approval for the war we need and Congress will sign on up for it!”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney: “Only then will we have our pretext to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, install a Democratic system for political cover, and capture Saddam whenever war fatigue sets in.”

Bush: “Condi, we gotta make sure to install bin Laden in Western Pakistan indefinitely. That’ll give us our perfect storm of endless war and the deaths of black and brown people, even as we funnel Iraq’s oil back here through the Secret Particle Displacement Portal Cheney built with his ill-gotten riches Ha Ha!”

“Then Dick, you can go torture-up some of them boys, and maybe I’ll even tank the US economy on our way out of office for shits and giggles! HA HA! YEEE-HAAWW!” Bush added. “Then I guess my dang debt to The Dark One be fulfilled.” (see BUSH CRIMES page 6)