NewSatire

"The Aborted is not family-friendly," said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Dianne West.

Still several weeks premature of its official birth on the big screen, horror master Max Bremer’s new film “The Aborted” has already drawn high praise and sharp criticism following early screenings.

The film features real-life late-term abortionist George Tiller a.k.a. “Tiller the Killer” playing himself in the role, and depicts the radioactive mutation of discarded, late-term aborted babies into gigantic, razor-toothed, demon-inhabited fetuses bent on matricidal revenge.

While some are using phrases like “instant classic” and “genre masterpiece,” others emerged from the film threatening boycotts and mass protests.

“All I can say is - thanks Mom for not aborting me, ’cause the fetuses are back and man are they pissed!” said one enthused horror fan at the screening.

In one offensive scene, a fetus demon returns to take vengeance on it's pro-choice mother.

“The film is beyond offensive,” said abortion-rights activist Ron Bickman of abortemifyougotem.org.

Bickman wasn’t bothered by the gory evisceration scenes, but he did object to the portrayal of abortion doctors as “profit-driven, soulless child-murderers” rather than the “care-giving, birth-avoidance assistants” they actually are.

“The way they represent Dr. Tiller as this stereotypical mad scientist sociopath was outrageous and evil, even if he did play himself,” Bickman said. “Tiller is a champion of mothers’ human rights for God’s sake.”

One of several fetuses that arise from hospital dumpsters to wreak havoc across the nation.

Film reviewers and bioethicists alike are divided in half on the blood-splattered film, saying its sheer over-the-top grossness renders any possible political or social message “virtually impossible to determine.”

Anti-abortion advocates praise the picture’s stomach-churning, starkly-realistic depiction of the abortion procedure itself, while some pro-choice advocates feel that, at the very least, the film gets the message across to women that giving birth to their children isn’t the only option available to them.

Even so, and despite the fact almost no one has seen the movie, for many it is simply too controversial to bear.

“They’re trying to make abortion out to be something horrible or inhuman instead of a health choice that’s good for women,” said Ingrid Hartley of the National Organization for Women.

“The film seems to take lightly the Supreme Court’s single greatest civil rights achievement and indeed the very measure of our national dignity and human equality. It’s the freedom of abortion,” Hartley said.

But for horror fans like Richie Martin, 17, the film simply wasn’t that complex.

“I just thought that one part when those fetuses all climb into Dr. Tiller’s mouth and then burst out of his stomach while he’s all screaming and shit - that shit was sick!…and AWESOME.”

Radical homosexual blogger Perez Hilton, who hates "intolerance" and loves to stand up for "diversity of opinions and lifestyles."

Police are still looking for a fat, ugly Cuban-American blogger named Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. aka “Perez Hilton” after he attacked and battered several California residents this week.

According to police, the only connection between the victims is their common opposition to redefining marriage in the U.S.

Mr. Hilton made headlines last week while serving as a judge at the 2009 Miss USA beauty pageant where he singled out Christian finalist Carrie Prejean and asked her if she supported gay marriage. When she answered that, in her opinion, marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman, Hilton launched a misogynistic attack, calling her a “f****** Christian b****” as well as the other C-word. He then awarded her zero points, costing her the pageant crown.

Then according to police, Mr. Hilton, who has spent his life masturbating in various urine-splattered gas station latrines across the nation, embarked on a violent series of serial assaults across the state, targeting everyone he encountered who disagreed with his position on the controversial issue.

“A strange fat lady (Hilton) came up to me on the playground and asked me about gay people marrying,” said Timmy McCulskey, an 11 year-old at City of Angels Elementary School. “So I told her my parents said marriage is for making babies. That’s when the ugly lady got real mad.”

“Then, she tried to attack me with her penis,” the boy added.

Perez Hilton, whose alias comes from his intellectual mentor Paris Hilton, has sent a letter to the White House requesting clemency and asking President  Obama to create an administrative position for him as a “National Opinion Czar.”

Hilton, a drug-addled drama major, wrote that he has “many opinions.”

“Since my opinions are the correct ones, why should other opinions be tolerated?” he wondered in the letter. “Really, they should be punished by a big, fat zero.”

White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said today that the president “respects Mr. Hilton, despite possible differences of opinion” and might be willing to “sit down with him” to “show the world what American diplomacy and tolerance can achieve.”

The corpulent Hilton has made a career out of slander, character assassination and selling himself to diseased homeless men in dumpsters across L.A. He said what hurts him the most are all the “ignorant, intolerant, hateful bigots,” whom he defined as “anyone who disagrees with me.”

Hollywood insiders say Mr. Hilton - whose pig-like face and blubber-laden frame are matched in grotesqueness only by his foul soul-stench that many liken to an old burst corpse floating in raw sewer - may have gone too far this time.

Bob Bagwell, 36, a recently unemployed grocer was another of Hilton’s victims.

“At first I was like wow, Perez Hilton goes to the same porn shop as me!” said Bagwell. “He actually struck up a conversation, but it got all deep. He asked me how I voted on Prop 8, so I told him I voted for it. Then he went totally berserk, called me the ‘C-word’. When I turned to leave he hit me from behind.”

Authorities say Hilton had bludgeoned Bagwell with a large sex toy, then violated him in the alley behind the shop.

Criminal psychologist Andrea Markley said that because of Hilton’s limited mental capacity and emotional retardation, the court may find him unfit to stand trial if and when he is caught.

Kim Ficera, contributing writer for AfterEllen.com perhaps summed Hilton up best: “I feel sorry for him. If his juvenile behavior is his shtick, I think it makes him a much more pathetic figure, and one the gay and lesbian community should not support…If we support behavior like Hilton’s, we applaud shallowness, arrogance, rage and invasion of privacy, and risk becoming what we despise.”

After eight years of plenty under the Bush presidency, liberal cartoonists from major newspapers are finding President Barack Obama and his administration a less bountiful subject for mockery.

Obama cartoons: "Not as funny as the Bush ones."

“It’s like asking a Christian to mock Jesus or something,” said David Hinkley, syndicated cartoonist and Obama campaign contributor. “I mean, with Bush it was like, put big ears on him and a sort of monkey face and you were good to go. But President Obama? Well I mean - well, obviously few would do that with President Obama.”

While newspapers across the U.S. continue to lose advertisers, readership and talent pool, editors like Harold Matthews of the New York Journal said political satire has devolved from the cutting, mocking, relentless hilarity of the Bush years to “boring ass-kissing.”

“It sucks now,” Matthews said. “Everything just sucks. It’s all over.”

Assistant editor Doug Prince had to help his dazed boss stand and walk toward the break room.

“How hard is it to make him laugh!?” Prince screamed. “I mean, is there anything NOT funny about Timothy Geithner? C’mon people!” (see NOT FUNNY page 12)

Total rock legend Ozzy Osbourne made a surprise appearance yesterday afternoon at Rancid Records on 5th to yuck it up with fans and sign copies of his new album, “Ah Um Dunno, Yeah?” Newsatire’s own Wendel Lewis (ME!) was allowed to conduct this exclusive mini-tape recorded forever interview with Wendel Lewis and the rock legend himself, go:

Ozzy Osbourne, known as the "Godfather of Heavy Metal," has lived a "Heavy Metal life."

Reporter: This is so awesome man, I cannot believe it - Ozzy! The Prince of Darkness man, the Godfather, right here in fuckin’ front of me!

Osbourne: Isafunt asking yeah. Ma plesha. Ma plesha.

Reporter: Man! I guess my first question is obvious: How is it that you’ve been able to be so fucking awesome for so long? I mean I was a little kid when I first heard Paranoid, and it fucked my mind up man.  Everyone loved that shit!

Ozzy: Ah yeah koos hehehe. Yeah, ah fink ah laga dispen a grap dill but, y’know it’s all handin en flax an all at ovaling, I dunno.

Reporter: Man remember back in the day when all the parents hated you and said you like worshiped the devil and bit the heads off bats and doves onstage and drank buckets of spit the crowd filled up and shit? I mean fuck those parents that shit was awesome, right?

Ozzy: I dunno I fink aaahhh, ye, ye jus won ta…ta do somefin wiffou, wiffou really, eva reekin’ a fudge, oh makin’ a row,  Ah know bu’ fens won, uh, ah guess wekit fings, an’ aou. Aaaah, ah dunno really. Ha ha!

Reporter: let’s talk about drugs. I mean, some people say you did too much. But I mean, you’re still totally awesome. I mean, is there really such thing as too much when it comes to gettin’ totally ripped in the brain and fuckin’ just rockin’ out? (see INTERVIEW page 5)