NewSatire

Dishonesty struck suddenly from coast to coast as millions of Americans engaged in mass excuse-making, blaming “the swine flu” for otherwise unrelated lies and false claims.

One of thousands of revelers at the unofficial "Swine Flu Sick Day" party last Tuesday afternoon in Hemingway Park.

El Paso Warehouse Manager Alonzo Martinez was one of countless US citizens who “called in sick” this week with what he and others universally described as “a bad case of the swine flu.”

“The whole ‘Mexican Swine Flu’ thing totally blew up on Twitter on Monday and I was totally hung over, so I was like whatever,” Martinez admitted. “Seemed like a good way to get out of doing inventory.”

Acting head of the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Rick Besser said the CDC is currently tracking over 12 million claims of swine flu infection from “lazy, irresponsible individuals” across the nation.

A disturbing image of one of the pigs suspected to have transmitted the A-H1N1 virus known as 'swine flu'.

In most cases, physicians have reported no sign of swine flu or indeed any illness whatsoever among those who missed work for one or more days this week.

Federal authorities are also tracking a sharp spike in “swine flu-related assaults and homicides” across the nation.

Sous chef Benny Bedanski was arrested in Queens, NY yesterday after allegedly attacking fellow prep cook Tommy Kowalski during an argument. Bedanski maintains his actions were in self-defense, not against Kowalski, but against “the swine flu inside of him.”

“I already told you people, Kowalski and I were cutting up the pork loin and he just started acting strange, like, maybe he had the swine flu or something, and I freaked out,” Bedanski said. “So okay, we’d had a few drinks and were arguing, so what? He got weird I’m telling you…I’m talkin’ like Mexican Swine Flu-weird.”

"As long as we maintain our stock of facemasks, I don't see this becoming a problem," says one Mexican health official.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano rejected calls for a temporary stop to all nonessential US/Mexico-bound flights and suggested those who sought such preventive measures are simply “insane racists.”

Napolitano announced instead that Mexican officials have “assured her” that there is, in fact, “no threat” from a so-called swine flu epidemic, and further that “no such illness or epidemic exists very much.”

Members of Congress have voiced grave concerns over the devastating impact an outbreak of Mexican Swine Flu in the US could have, not only on their re-election campaign contribution potential but also on their personal agendas.

“We are concerned the rise of swine flu absenteeism could translate into voter apathy or, even worse, into a lower voter approval of our upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens measure, called the Open Borders And Mexican Amnesty, or OBAMA Act,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proudly.

Congressman Barney Frank insisted that “the national excuse-making stop” and that citizens start “looking inwardly” instead of  blaming the swine flu and “attacking Mexicans.”

“Then maybe these voters will see the real source of this so-called swine flu. Maybe it’s the swine flu in each of our hearts. Maybe it’s the swine flu of our national soul,” Frank concluded bizarrely. (see EXCUSE MY SWINE FLU page 4)