NewSatire

The Democratic National Committee’s “Historic 100 Days” celebration turned controversial as they announced that the historic nature of Barack Obama’s presidency has inspired them to endorse an “even way more historical” candidate for 2012.

Over-enthusiastic members of the DNC cheered as Howard Dean suggested Obama is of only marginal historic importance compared to what's coming in 2012.

“All I’m saying is, this new candidate is gonna make puttin’ the first African-American president into office literally seem like no big deal!” declared former DNC Chairman Howard Dean at the party.

Dean let the news slip in an alcohol-fueled bombshell that was supposed to be announced “in a different spirit and context” later this week by the current DNC Chairman, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine.

Grabbing the microphone from Chairman Kaine, Dean launched into a tirade against “complacency in the face of the Obama victory.”

“People these days want something new, something historical!” Dean yelled. “Obama was a first! But we can do better! Yes we can!”

The crowd seemed enthusiastic, so Dean continued:

“So look out in 2012! ‘Cause the Deaniac Democrats are on the edge! And we’re puttin’ up a candidate that’s unlike any candidate that anyone has ever voted for before!” he roared. “That’s right! A super milestone-breaker who’s gonna bust right through those fuckin’ white doors of that fuckin’ white house, and into fucking HISTORYYYYEEAAWW!” -  That’s when the microphone was cut off and a red-faced Dean stumbled from the stage.

The DNC has refused to elaborate on who the surprise candidate might be, fueling speculation among various ethnic, religious and gender groups, each convinced the next president will be one that will “identify with them.”

A NewSatire.com poll shows that while over 40 percent of Americans believe the DNC choice will likely be of Hispanic origin and nearly 35 percent think it will be an Asian-American candidate, a staggering 86 percent think that regardless of race, the choice will indeed be a woman, most likely a “lesbian, with roots somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere” according to the poll.

Spokesman Ashley Guy from The American Transgendered Organization said AMTRAN is excited about the prospect of the first Transgendered-American president in 2012.

“The message from the DNC is clear enough for me,” Guy said. “Our next president will undoubtedly be a Transgendered- or Transexual-American, and he-slash-she will be the most historic president of all time.”

But many are skeptical about the DNC’s ability to produce a candidate of such breathtaking historicity.

“The important thing about Obama’s victory is how historic it is,” said Vice President Joe Biden, defending Obama’s historical uniqueness. “It’s not just about being the first black president. It’s about being part of history, and a part of an historic moment within the historical process itself. It’s just great.”

Depopulation advocates united to promote their anti-humanity message.

The pro-Earth, anti-Homosapien environmental group Earth First met with the Hemlock Society and other pro-death groups today at the ground-breaking Annual International Depopulation Summit in Denver.

The meeting marks the first time radical environmental and anti-humanity groups have come together on such a scale to “compare notes and build strategies to meet common goals.”

“This has been an exciting year for planetary depopulists everywhere,” said AIDS Chairman Damien Volkman in his opening remarks.

“Many of you think this year can’t possibly be as exciting or productive as our last few years of war, genocide and disease have been,” Volkman said. “Well this is no time for discouragement! Say it with me: We! Can! Do! Better!”

'Hemlock' members react to a pun delivered by special speaker Jack Kevorkian.

Hemlock Society members were friendly and complimentary toward the environmentalist group, introducing Earth First founder Pete Simpson in glowing terms as a “21st century visionary” who truly feels the “suffering groans of the land, sea and air, choked to death by the toxic despotism of humanity.”

“I must say it’s a darn shame there are so many of us here today,” quipped Simpson as he took the podium to warm audience laughter. “But seriously, we’re all here today to do two things: to encourage pollution control through pre-conception or pre-birth methods, and to help minimize the number of people currently on the Earth, with the exception of ourselves and our families of course, ha ha ha!”

Hemlock Society's new logo, which integrates its new "green" focus in seeking the elimination of all human life.

Simpson went on to laud the accomplishments of what he called “human pollutant-reducing events” such as cult-inspired suicides, Columbine-style mass killings, and the Sudanese genocide, as well as the “millions of successful abortions logged each and every year.”

He also praised “God’s little answers to prayers” like the 2004 Asian Tsunami that killed over 225,000 polluters.

“To say that tsunamis are more important to our goals than say, pandemics or rogue asteroids would be irresponsible,” said event coordinator River Sunbeam when asked to rate major population-limiting events.

“The addition of environmentally-conscious groups like Earth First will help express just how ‘green’ our cause truly is,” Sunbeam said. “Every human breath is an act of pollution, and we exist to make it finally stop. It’s fantastic.” (see POLLUTION page 4)

"The Aborted is not family-friendly," said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Dianne West.

Still several weeks premature of its official birth on the big screen, horror master Max Bremer’s new film “The Aborted” has already drawn high praise and sharp criticism following early screenings.

The film features real-life late-term abortionist George Tiller a.k.a. “Tiller the Killer” playing himself in the role, and depicts the radioactive mutation of discarded, late-term aborted babies into gigantic, razor-toothed, demon-inhabited fetuses bent on matricidal revenge.

While some are using phrases like “instant classic” and “genre masterpiece,” others emerged from the film threatening boycotts and mass protests.

“All I can say is - thanks Mom for not aborting me, ’cause the fetuses are back and man are they pissed!” said one enthused horror fan at the screening.

In one offensive scene, a fetus demon returns to take vengeance on it's pro-choice mother.

“The film is beyond offensive,” said abortion-rights activist Ron Bickman of abortemifyougotem.org.

Bickman wasn’t bothered by the gory evisceration scenes, but he did object to the portrayal of abortion doctors as “profit-driven, soulless child-murderers” rather than the “care-giving, birth-avoidance assistants” they actually are.

“The way they represent Dr. Tiller as this stereotypical mad scientist sociopath was outrageous and evil, even if he did play himself,” Bickman said. “Tiller is a champion of mothers’ human rights for God’s sake.”

One of several fetuses that arise from hospital dumpsters to wreak havoc across the nation.

Film reviewers and bioethicists alike are divided in half on the blood-splattered film, saying its sheer over-the-top grossness renders any possible political or social message “virtually impossible to determine.”

Anti-abortion advocates praise the picture’s stomach-churning, starkly-realistic depiction of the abortion procedure itself, while some pro-choice advocates feel that, at the very least, the film gets the message across to women that giving birth to their children isn’t the only option available to them.

Even so, and despite the fact almost no one has seen the movie, for many it is simply too controversial to bear.

“They’re trying to make abortion out to be something horrible or inhuman instead of a health choice that’s good for women,” said Ingrid Hartley of the National Organization for Women.

“The film seems to take lightly the Supreme Court’s single greatest civil rights achievement and indeed the very measure of our national dignity and human equality. It’s the freedom of abortion,” Hartley said.

But for horror fans like Richie Martin, 17, the film simply wasn’t that complex.

“I just thought that one part when those fetuses all climb into Dr. Tiller’s mouth and then burst out of his stomach while he’s all screaming and shit - that shit was sick!…and AWESOME.”

Dishonesty struck suddenly from coast to coast as millions of Americans engaged in mass excuse-making, blaming “the swine flu” for otherwise unrelated lies and false claims.

One of thousands of revelers at the unofficial "Swine Flu Sick Day" party last Tuesday afternoon in Hemingway Park.

El Paso Warehouse Manager Alonzo Martinez was one of countless US citizens who “called in sick” this week with what he and others universally described as “a bad case of the swine flu.”

“The whole ‘Mexican Swine Flu’ thing totally blew up on Twitter on Monday and I was totally hung over, so I was like whatever,” Martinez admitted. “Seemed like a good way to get out of doing inventory.”

Acting head of the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Rick Besser said the CDC is currently tracking over 12 million claims of swine flu infection from “lazy, irresponsible individuals” across the nation.

A disturbing image of one of the pigs suspected to have transmitted the A-H1N1 virus known as 'swine flu'.

In most cases, physicians have reported no sign of swine flu or indeed any illness whatsoever among those who missed work for one or more days this week.

Federal authorities are also tracking a sharp spike in “swine flu-related assaults and homicides” across the nation.

Sous chef Benny Bedanski was arrested in Queens, NY yesterday after allegedly attacking fellow prep cook Tommy Kowalski during an argument. Bedanski maintains his actions were in self-defense, not against Kowalski, but against “the swine flu inside of him.”

“I already told you people, Kowalski and I were cutting up the pork loin and he just started acting strange, like, maybe he had the swine flu or something, and I freaked out,” Bedanski said. “So okay, we’d had a few drinks and were arguing, so what? He got weird I’m telling you…I’m talkin’ like Mexican Swine Flu-weird.”

"As long as we maintain our stock of facemasks, I don't see this becoming a problem," says one Mexican health official.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano rejected calls for a temporary stop to all nonessential US/Mexico-bound flights and suggested those who sought such preventive measures are simply “insane racists.”

Napolitano announced instead that Mexican officials have “assured her” that there is, in fact, “no threat” from a so-called swine flu epidemic, and further that “no such illness or epidemic exists very much.”

Members of Congress have voiced grave concerns over the devastating impact an outbreak of Mexican Swine Flu in the US could have, not only on their re-election campaign contribution potential but also on their personal agendas.

“We are concerned the rise of swine flu absenteeism could translate into voter apathy or, even worse, into a lower voter approval of our upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens measure, called the Open Borders And Mexican Amnesty, or OBAMA Act,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proudly.

Congressman Barney Frank insisted that “the national excuse-making stop” and that citizens start “looking inwardly” instead of  blaming the swine flu and “attacking Mexicans.”

“Then maybe these voters will see the real source of this so-called swine flu. Maybe it’s the swine flu in each of our hearts. Maybe it’s the swine flu of our national soul,” Frank concluded bizarrely. (see EXCUSE MY SWINE FLU page 4)